Monday, August 8, 2011

Rock N Roll Providence Pt 3

It hit me all of a sudden in one big wave; I had screwed up this race really badly.  Coming into and during the first ten miles of the race I kept telling myself that I can't.  I can't run a 1:24.  I can't keep a 6:24 pace for 13 miles.  I just can't.  But at mile ten I realized that I felt too good.  The fatigue that I had been expecting the entire time hadn't appeared yet and here I was seeing the runners near the lead passing by me on their way to the finish which I could almost just see. What the hell had I been thinking this whole time?

In essence, I had sabotaged myself before this race had ever started and it took me ten miles to realize what I had done.  It was never a case of I can't but rather a terrible example of I won't.  Of course I can't run a 1:24 if I don't ever try. I spent so much time convincing myself that I couldn't that I never took time to believe in myself.  The lessons of the Ultra relay were completely forgotten and I chose the route of self-pity and doubt instead.

I had failed myself.

The last mile ended up being my fastest, I still had energy to burn.  I turned up Francis street and prepared to battle the long hill to the finish.  But it wasn't that long and it wasn't that hard.  I wasn't totally spent, I didn't want to puke on the side of the road.  As I ran to the finish virtually by myself I threw my hands out to the crowds on both sides and enjoyed their cheers. The announcer called out my name and I crossed the finish line as the clocked ticked off 1:26:25.  A four minute PR.

This is where it gets difficult to explain.  There is no doubt that I was thrilled with that PR but I was conflicted.  My race was lost before it had ever begun and I was pissed at myself for that.  I could have done better, I should have done better but I chose to play it safe.  There was no confidence in my own abilities and for the first time at an important race I felt like I hadn't left it all out on the course. I should have been more attentive to my pacing and stuck to a 6:24 instead of settling for less.  I'm still torn, I did great, but not good enough.  Next time I won't doubt myself so much; if I fail then that's alright as long as I fail trying my hardest. There is nothing comforting about getting a good time in a race but knowing you didn't give it your all.

One final bright spot helped to cheer me up a bit after the race. Later that night I was sitting on my bed icing my heel when Jen came in.  "Have you seen the results?" She asked. I had not, they only had individual results when I had last looked.  She told me to go and look.

There I was, still a 1:26:25.  But what the hell was that number 1 doing next to my name?  "You won your division!" Jen said.  "Huh? But... Huh?" was basically all I could muster up.  This was a big race, over 7000 people, I couldn't possibly have won my entire division.  Could I ?  I was still doubting myself.  But there it was on their website and there it remains this morning.  I had won the 35-39 age group in a pretty big race. Me. Wow. Maybe I can do this running thing after all.

1st AG
33rd Overall

Side notes:

Pace5 Km10 Km10 Mi12 MiChipTimeClockTime

5K time was 9 seconds faster than my last 5K race (granted this was a comeback race after injury)

CVS/Caremark Downtown 5k5K00:20:27

10K time was only 35 seconds slower than my previous 10K PR

James Joyce Ramble10K00:40:25

10 Mile time was 90 seconds faster than my best 10 mile race

Old Fashioned 10Miler10 Mile01:07:44

1 comment:

  1. Sorry to just be getting caught up on this now that I am back in Ocean Park and with my computer.
    MAN you are too hard on yourself!!!!
    You had a great race... and yes, you could've done the 6:24 pace I'm quite sure, but sometimes you need a big kick in the ass like this to remind yourself that talking yourself of greatness will just make you.... less great. Anyway, who cares. This wasn't the goal race, and the half isn't' going away, and next timeyou will actually run faster than a 124 anyway.