In essence, I had sabotaged myself before this race had ever started and it took me ten miles to realize what I had done. It was never a case of I can't but rather a terrible example of I won't. Of course I can't run a 1:24 if I don't ever try. I spent so much time convincing myself that I couldn't that I never took time to believe in myself. The lessons of the Ultra relay were completely forgotten and I chose the route of self-pity and doubt instead.
I had failed myself.
The last mile ended up being my fastest, I still had energy to burn. I turned up Francis street and prepared to battle the long hill to the finish. But it wasn't that long and it wasn't that hard. I wasn't totally spent, I didn't want to puke on the side of the road. As I ran to the finish virtually by myself I threw my hands out to the crowds on both sides and enjoyed their cheers. The announcer called out my name and I crossed the finish line as the clocked ticked off 1:26:25. A four minute PR.
This is where it gets difficult to explain. There is no doubt that I was thrilled with that PR but I was conflicted. My race was lost before it had ever begun and I was pissed at myself for that. I could have done better, I should have done better but I chose to play it safe. There was no confidence in my own abilities and for the first time at an important race I felt like I hadn't left it all out on the course. I should have been more attentive to my pacing and stuck to a 6:24 instead of settling for less. I'm still torn, I did great, but not good enough. Next time I won't doubt myself so much; if I fail then that's alright as long as I fail trying my hardest. There is nothing comforting about getting a good time in a race but knowing you didn't give it your all.
One final bright spot helped to cheer me up a bit after the race. Later that night I was sitting on my bed icing my heel when Jen came in. "Have you seen the results?" She asked. I had not, they only had individual results when I had last looked. She told me to go and look.
There I was, still a 1:26:25. But what the hell was that number 1 doing next to my name? "You won your division!" Jen said. "Huh? But... Huh?" was basically all I could muster up. This was a big race, over 7000 people, I couldn't possibly have won my entire division. Could I ? I was still doubting myself. But there it was on their website and there it remains this morning. I had won the 35-39 age group in a pretty big race. Me. Wow. Maybe I can do this running thing after all.
|Pace||5 Km||10 Km||10 Mi||12 Mi||ChipTime||ClockTime|
5K time was 9 seconds faster than my last 5K race (granted this was a comeback race after injury)
|CVS/Caremark Downtown 5k||5K||00:20:27|
10K time was only 35 seconds slower than my previous 10K PR
|James Joyce Ramble||10K||00:40:25|
10 Mile time was 90 seconds faster than my best 10 mile race
|Old Fashioned 10Miler||10 Mile||01:07:44|