Rock N Roll Providence Pt 3

It hit me all of a sudden in one big wave; I had screwed up this race really badly.  Coming into and during the first ten miles of the race I kept telling myself that I can't.  I can't run a 1:24.  I can't keep a 6:24 pace for 13 miles.  I just can't.  But at mile ten I realized that I felt too good.  The fatigue that I had been expecting the entire time hadn't appeared yet and here I was seeing the runners near the lead passing by me on their way to the finish which I could almost just see. What the hell had I been thinking this whole time?

In essence, I had sabotaged myself before this race had ever started and it took me ten miles to realize what I had done.  It was never a case of I can't but rather a terrible example of I won't.  Of course I can't run a 1:24 if I don't ever try. I spent so much time convincing myself that I couldn't that I never took time to believe in myself.  The lessons of the Ultra relay were completely forgotten and I chose the route of self-pity and doubt instead.

I had failed myself.

The last mile ended up being my fastest, I still had energy to burn.  I turned up Francis street and prepared to battle the long hill to the finish.  But it wasn't that long and it wasn't that hard.  I wasn't totally spent, I didn't want to puke on the side of the road.  As I ran to the finish virtually by myself I threw my hands out to the crowds on both sides and enjoyed their cheers. The announcer called out my name and I crossed the finish line as the clocked ticked off 1:26:25.  A four minute PR.

This is where it gets difficult to explain.  There is no doubt that I was thrilled with that PR but I was conflicted.  My race was lost before it had ever begun and I was pissed at myself for that.  I could have done better, I should have done better but I chose to play it safe.  There was no confidence in my own abilities and for the first time at an important race I felt like I hadn't left it all out on the course. I should have been more attentive to my pacing and stuck to a 6:24 instead of settling for less.  I'm still torn, I did great, but not good enough.  Next time I won't doubt myself so much; if I fail then that's alright as long as I fail trying my hardest. There is nothing comforting about getting a good time in a race but knowing you didn't give it your all.

One final bright spot helped to cheer me up a bit after the race. Later that night I was sitting on my bed icing my heel when Jen came in.  "Have you seen the results?" She asked. I had not, they only had individual results when I had last looked.  She told me to go and look.

There I was, still a 1:26:25.  But what the hell was that number 1 doing next to my name?  "You won your division!" Jen said.  "Huh? But... Huh?" was basically all I could muster up.  This was a big race, over 7000 people, I couldn't possibly have won my entire division.  Could I ?  I was still doubting myself.  But there it was on their website and there it remains this morning.  I had won the 35-39 age group in a pretty big race. Me. Wow. Maybe I can do this running thing after all.

1:26:25
1st AG
33rd Overall

Side notes:

Pace	5 Km	10 Km	10 Mi	12 Mi	ChipTime	ClockTime
6:36	20:18	41:00	1:06:14	1:19:24	01:26:25	01:26:31

5K time was 9 seconds faster than my last 5K race (granted this was a comeback race after injury)

CVS/Caremark Downtown 5k

5K

00:20:27

10K time was only 35 seconds slower than my previous 10K PR

James Joyce Ramble

10K

00:40:25

10 Mile time was 90 seconds faster than my best 10 mile race

Old Fashioned 10Miler

10 Mile

01:07:44