Wednesday, July 22, 2009

G2 is the new crack

I love G2. It tastes good, it keeps me loaded up on electrolytes or whatever, and it makes me perform 2000 times better than normal (results may vary). I like it better than Gatorade on most occasions because it isn't as sweet or heavy and when I mix it with some water for the long runs the splash of taste is nice and refreshing, even when mildly warm.

But I have come to realize that G2 has a nefarious side to it so dark that you can not find any information about it anywhere. I believe that the makers are adding an addictive chemical to it that makes you crave it; not fortnightly but you get the point. My findings are based on my own personal experiences and the observations of two test subjects who will be referred to from herein as JP and CP. The images have been doctored to hide their identities.

JP is a male, aged approximately 4 years old, weighing 35 pounds. Upon first introduction to G2 the subject enjoyed the "purple juice" and was observed to have a positive reaction while drinking it. After allowing the subject to consume several sips of the G2 it was taken away and kept out of reach. JP became increasingly frustrated with the lack of access to the drink and eventually began to yell at the observer in an effort to get the G2 back. The subject displayed all of the classic signs of addiction withdrawal after only a brief time consuming the beverage.

The second subject, CP, is a diminutive female weighing approximately 26 pounds and standing less than 3 feet high. Her reactions upon having the G2 removed from her were considerably more pronounced and violent in a shorter period of time. Any attempts to aid the subject while drinking were quickly met with yells of "no" and a marked physical recoiling. She would repeatedly attempt to gain access to the beverage no matter what obstacle stood in her way. No attempts to placate her with juice or milk would dissuade her from her attempts at obtaining the G2.

But can you blame them? It's pretty good stuff and it's nice to be able to rehydrate after a run and not put back in half of the calories you just spent an hour burning off. That's what beer is for.

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